“We’ll see you tomorrow??” I put on my best fake smile as I assured yet another extended family member, that, yes, our family (including two toddlers at the time) would be at the umpteenth holiday party of the season… tomorrow evening. The cast of characters would be largely the same, but the house and dinner and decorations would be different. Kind of. I took a moment to acknowledge how exhausted I felt. At balancing work and family gatherings. At the forced cheer and small talk. At the delicious meals that left me feeling stuffed and bloated the next morning. Then I looked over at my daughters, both running around, playing, laughing, and thought… “They want to go… The family wants us to go… Why don’t I want to go?” 

Why are the holidays so stressful for families?

Whether it’s Christmas decorations in stores prior to Thanksgiving or bribing your kids to be on their best behavior at public gatherings, there is no denying it—the holiday season is a stressful one for parents! It all boils down to tension between expectations and reality. All kinds of expectations (and all kinds of realities). Maybe it’s the difference between what our children want and what we can provide for them. Maybe it’s the tension between what our extended families expect from us and what we can actually deliver. Or maybe it’s the space between what we desire  of our children’s behavior and what they’re actually capable of. To further complicate things, many families struggle financially during the holidays. 

How can parents mentally address the stress?

Let’s just take a beat to acknowledge holiday stress! Yes, the music’s great. Yes, your family will make delicious meals. Yes, your kids’ faces will light up when opening a present. AND… it’s also okay to say to ourselves, “This is stressful!” or “I wish I didn’t have to go to that holiday party.” or “I’m feeling tired/drained/sad/anxious/overwhelmed.” From lack of time to financial stress to gift-giving headaches to the challenges of family get-togethers, a large proportion of us experience a spike in fatigue, stress, and irritability during the holidays. And when we feel stressed, our kids soak up that stress like the sponges they are. Not to mention balancing family and societal expectations for how they should think, feel, and behave during the holidays.

What do you want the holidays to mean for you and your family?

Underneath the sales and the decorations and the dinners, every holiday means something different to each family and even to each individual family member. Sometimes, it’s important to take some time to think about (or remind yourself) what really speaks to you about a particular holiday. Let’s take Thanksgiving. Maybe you love the intermingling of family generations, getting to catch up, regaling children with classic family stories, or getting all the grandchildren together to play in one wonderfully chaotic space. Or maybe you love sharing a long-standing family culinary tradition, getting joy out of feeding others or teaching your children how to make a particular dish. Perhaps you’re from an indigenous cultural background, and Thanksgiving is a complicated experience for your family - you may want to get together with your family, but it may not have a celebratory feel.

How can you redefine the holidays for your family?

When we get down to the essence of a holiday, there is often a difference between what society tells us the day is supposed to be about and what it really means (or what you want it to mean) to you and your family. We get so many messages around a holiday like Christmas about buying the “perfect gift” for our loved one that we may miss more meaningful or fulfilling experiences - the connection with family or an opportunity to give back to the community. One way to push back and reclaim what you want for yourself and your family during the holidays is to be explicitly mindful of what you and your family enjoy and feel fulfilled by. 

Reflect deeply about the experiences and situations that bring you joy. Talk to your spouse or children about what experience meant the most to them from previous holidays. Evaluate past experiences based not on your or others’ expectations but on the actual emotional outcomes. If we are honest with ourselves, holidays can really be about all kinds of experiences with different meanings. Reconnecting with family, spoiling each other with a little planned excess of food and celebration, sharing cultural traditions and values, an opportunity to serve others less fortunate, a chance to celebrate community, or a time to “show off a bit” and share what your children have been up to. As a family, you can make a decision that you value the experience of being together over gift-giving and find a way to go on a short trip or volunteer together. You can decide that this is an important time to update the grandparents on what all the grandkids have been up to and put on a kid-centric talent show after dinner. Or you might decide that it’s really important to you that your children understand how to prepare a traditional meal and really get them involved, take pictures or videos, and share the recipe with them afterwards.

How do you create more meaningful holiday experiences for your family?

Once you’ve identified what you and your family really want out of a holiday, you can take steps to craft experiences that align with those ideas and feelings. If your child loves hearing her grandparents tell stories from when you were a child, perhaps you can set up a time (in-person or even virtually!) for them to enjoy a snack or a craft while sharing that funny story about when you were a naughty toddler. If you feel brightest giving something back to others during the holidays, be sure to set aside time to volunteer (with your family!) If you love the opportunity to pass down cultural traditions or values, create an engaging activity that teaches those experiences in a developmentally appropriate way to your kids.   

I remember feeling homesick a few years ago during the holidays:. My girls were young. My parents lived far away. I was struggling to find ways to help my children connect with my family’s cultural heritage in the face of the seemingly more exciting Christmas celebrations—my wife is Catholic so she carried on those traditions with them. I grew up in a Hindu household, and while I remembered lively holiday celebrations growing up, I didn’t feel I had the bandwidth to fully prepare and connect my young daughters to what could be an overwhelming cultural experience. So instead, we decided to find a way to celebrate Saraswati Puja, which focuses on celebrating knowledge, language, music, and the arts, at home. We tried to be creative about what the celebration meant to me growing up and what we wanted the experience to be about for our children: A chance to revel in reading, music, and the arts!

We asked our children to find their favorite books, which we helped them read to their grandparents over Skype. We found some fun coloring sheets related to the Goddess Saraswati and had a “coloring contest,” kids vs. parents. And then we put on some catchy Indian dance music. To our surprise, our kids ran up to their rooms, found fancy, colorful Indian clothes (salwar kameez) from their grandparents, and proceeded to have an epic dance party! They insisted we record videos of their dances to send to their grandparents. Videos that they, to this day, still enjoy watching and giggling over. With a little creativity, perseverance, and adaptiveness - a new tradition was born. 

How do you minimize holiday stress for your family?

Part of navigating the space between others’ expectations and what you and your family really want or need out of a holiday is getting more comfortable with the idea of saying, “No thanks.” You are the leader of your family. You get to - and have to - decide what your family’s holiday experience is going to be like. If your children really enjoy playing with their cousins, but struggle with an overzealous aunt or uncle, it’s okay to set limits with that family member. If there are 4 separate family holiday parties between Christmas and New Year’s that tend to overwhelm you and your kids, it’s okay to let your family know that you’ll just be attending one or two (a lesson it took me a few years to learn!).

Remember that our children are sponges, and soak up the joys and worries and patterns they experience all around them. If we are hoping to help our children have a less commercialized experience over the holidays, we need to find a way to de-emphasize gift-giving for meaningful holiday experiences with loved ones. If we are hoping our children will learn to enjoy spending time with extended family members, we need to craft experiences that explicitly allow them to enjoy each other’s company. If we want our children to internalize values or beliefs that are critical to our faith or worldview, we need to get them involved in activities that help them enjoy learning those values in a developmentally friendly way.

And remember throughout the holiday season that we need to extend ourselves the kindness and respect we teach our children to embody. Give yourself some grace if you lose your cool. Remember that tomorrow is another day and you can try again. Remember that our children are resilient and it’s not one specific experience that will determine who they are, but the sum total of all the love and care and guidance you give them that will shape them. You can reclaim and reshape the holidays in a way that’s meaningful for you and your family. And in doing so, you’ll be teaching your children the value of reflection, celebration, and connection.