Separation anxiety is normal in young children, but as parents, that doesn't make it any easier to drop your child off at school. And unfortunately, the pandemic has only increased the number of children struggling with these feelings.

Although most children will eventually outgrow separation anxiety, there are many things you can do to ease your child's fear and make dropping them off at school easier.

To better understand how to help kids with separation anxiety, Hannah Slattery, LPC, NCC, a Hopscotch educator and licensed professional counselor shares the signs of separation anxiety, as well as eight expert tips for helping your child work through their separation anxiety surrounding school.

What is separation anxiety?

It's common for young children, especially those aged 18 months to 3 years, to feel some worry, fear, and anxiety when separated from their parents or caregivers. But when those feelings become more intense and interfere with daily activities, such as sleeping, it could be an indication of separation anxiety disorder (SAD). SAD is a mental health condition that causes severe distress and fear when separated from their loved ones. 

What are the signs a child may have separation anxiety at school?

According to Slattery, separation anxiety can manifest in physical and emotional responses, such as:

• Clinginess
• Frequent crying
• Refusal to go to school
• Trouble sleeping on school nights
• Stomach aches or headaches
• Difficulty concentrating while at school
• Tearful goodbyes
• Tantrums
• Difficulty adjusting

Tips for how to help a child with separation anxiety at school

Slattery shares 8 tips for helping your child with separation anxiety at school.

Be empathetic.

If your child tells you that their stomach hurts or they are worried about leaving you, it's important that you believe them. "Empathy is key in connecting with your child and also allowing your child to feel heard. This doesn't mean you can’t go anywhere without your child, but just giving a few moments of your time to hear and acknowledge them will help build the relationship," says Slattery.

Manage your own emotions.

"As a parent, you need to be able to manage your own emotions so that when your child starts to throw a tantrum or scream when attempting to separate you don't lose your cool," she explains. Remember to stay calm and consistent, so that your child can learn what to expect from you.

Prepare ahead of time.

When it nears time to return to school, it's important to prepare your child for the separation. Talking about school with your child, and even practicing the drive and walk up to the school can help them feel more comfortable. You can also practice the goodbye ritual so it will become less anxiety-provoking.

When school is back in session, Slattery advises that you start to prepare your child for the separation during the drive to school. Walking with them to the door can also help them feel more secure—even if you don't walk all the way inside. As your child starts to feel more comfortable, slowly begin to part ways with them sooner, so eventually they are able to walk to the door on their own.

Provide a comfort item.

Allow your child to take their favorite comfort item to school with them. This may be a stuffed animal, a blanket, or anything else that helps comfort and calm them. But make sure you communicate with your child's teacher and inform them that your child brought an item from home, as some schools may have policies against this.

Explore additional resources.

There are so many resources for children—and parents—struggling with separation anxiety. Check out your local library or online for books or videos that can help prepare your child to make the leap back to school, or to school for the first time.

Work with a school representative.

Looping in a school representative that the child feels comfortable with can be an excellent way to help your child adapt and work through their separation anxiety. Many schools have a school counselor or social worker that would be willing to work with you to develop a plan that encourages your child to build anxiety management skills, says Slattery.

You can also talk to your child’s teacher or another school representative and plan for them to meet you at the school doors during drop off. Immediately going to another trusted adult may help ease some anxiety around you leaving. 

Consider therapy.

Therapy is a great way to help your child develop coping skills for social anxiety. A therapist can also provide tangible tools for parents and teachers to use with the child at home or school, such as breathing exercises or relaxation techniques. Keep your teacher informed of any tools your child is learning, so they can work on incorporating them throughout the school day.

Online therapy through a platform like Hopscotch can be effective in helping children feel more comfortable and less anxious than in traditional in-person therapy sessions, while still working through their social anxiety.

Be consistent and follow through.

When the time comes to say goodbye at school drop-off, know that it's okay to leave your child, even if they are still crying, says Slattery. In time, they will begin to understand that they are safe at school and that you will always come back for them. Consistency will help speed this process along, although as parents, it can be difficult to leave when all you want to do is stay and comfort your child. 

The takeaway

Anxiety affects children of all ages, and as a parent it can be difficult to manage. Fortunately, there are ways to improve separation anxiety and help your child feel more comfortable and secure during school.

Additional resources

• Separation Anxiety: Going Back To School During The Pandemic, Anxiety & Depression Association of America
• Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children, Stanford Medicine